I, like most parents on Sunday morning at one time or another, have been absolutely sure that I was the worst parent of all time because of my children’s behavior during Mass. Since my boys were little, my husband has sung in the church choir. The entirety of their behavior fell on me to regulate and there were months and years when I couldn’t tell you a word of the homily. My boys squirmed or screamed or needed a million trips to the bathroom. I used every ounce of grace I received in Mass in the ordeal of getting through the Mass. Especially the year after our daughter joined us through foster care, I felt distinctly outnumbered.
After one particularly terrible Mass where the only person who stayed in the pew for more than three minutes was my oldest son, who was eight, I went home and cried. If it wasn’t for my commitment to Jesus, I wouldn’t have gone back.
I needed to make some changes. I decided to create rules for Mass behavior and help get my kids to see the beauty in their participation in the worship. I present for you here some of those rules which worked for me. I hope some of them might work for you.
Rules for Celebrating Mass as a Family
- Remember that you are necessary members of the Body of Christ. You deserve to be present at Mass. This is especially important because the eye-rolling and sighs from other parishioners can make you want to sink through the floor.
- If possible, don’t go to the cry room. Cry rooms, where kids play with toys, eat snacks, talk at full volume, and generally pay little attention to the Mass, reward kids for poor behavior. Once they learn misbehavior at Mass gets them a free pass to the play zone, their behavior becomes incentivized. I often sooth behavior challenges in the back of the nave, without much fun and with a minimum of talk. Our goal, I remind my kid, is to get back to Jesus in the Mass. Leaving Mass becomes less fun than staying in Mass.
- Reward Mass participation. There’s a reason why many parishes offer donuts after Mass and it’s not just to build community. Bribery can work here, for a time. But there are many ways, besides physical rewards, to help children participate. Praise them for vocalizing the responses. My youngest daughter went through a time when she got a fist bump every time she participated in the Mass (Sign of the Cross, reciting the Creed, etc.). She beamed with every acknowledgment of her achievement.
- Eye contact and hugs. Pew snuggles go a long way to soothing boredom and allow me to easily whisper a quick word of encouragement or teaching. The first opportunity children have to learn about God’s love for them is through their parents’ expression of love. I started taking this seriously at Mass. While we worshipped God, I showed my children that God loved them. I looked at them often with joy, squeezed a hand, patted a shoulder, and exchanged hugs during the Passing of the Peace.
- Choose your Mass entertainment well. I never brought snacks to Mass – too easy to make a mess, run out, or bring the wrong food. Instead, I spent more time picking quiet (and mess-free) toys, like books with lots of pictures, water doodling kits, or soft dolls, to help a squirming kid get through a long homily.
- Don’t let the pre-Mass scramble take your peace before you even arrive. This is hard. No one can ever find their shoes, especially when you’re already running late. The rush to get ready and get out the door on-time can affect your own mood, making you a poor parent in the pew. A get-ready-for-Mass checklist might help. Cover yourself in prayer as soon as you get in the pew.
- Go to Daily Mass by yourself when you can. Worshipping God without the demands of parenting can help us find the strength to keep showing up well with our kids on Sundays.
Help Your Kids Stay Engaged
Helping my kids stay interested during Mass took more time at first, but, as they became engaged in the Mass, we have all grown to enjoy our Sunday mornings more. My Mass bag, with our books and dolls, stays by the door, so I always grab it on our way out the door. There are less fights about shoes and more genuine hugs in the pews. My youngest regularly gets fist bumps from other parishioners. Mass with my kids is now truly one of the highlights of our week.
